I always hoped to wake up and decide to have kids. In my 20s and 30s, I didn’t have a strong desire to have children. I focused on my profession as a branding designer, creating and expanding my own firm, and beginning a side magazine. I was glad I had more time to decide about having a child since I was busy spreading my views.
As I entered my late 30s, my husband reminded me that we needed to start if we wanted babies and said he was ready.
I didn’t mind having kids, but I didn’t like the gender-based parenting standards. Both my spouse and I are entrepreneurs, but he makes more. The usual story is that I stay home to raise the child while dad works. I enjoy my job and couldn’t imagine becoming a stay-at-home parent. More importantly, I wanted to develop a fresh company concept.
I knew starting a firm while pregnant and with a baby wasn’t ideal, but I also understood that there’s no “right time” to make professional changes. Not falling behind on my dreams was my goal. According to a recent poll, 33% of women say having kids has hurt their jobs. But I adore my husband and wanted to build the family he envisaged.
“I wasn’t against having children, but I opposed the stereotyped gender roles and parenting expectations.’
I just had a kid and have been blown away by how gratifying parenthood has been for me. I started my business a month before the kid was born and continue to pursue satisfying job.
My husband and I planned carefully before having our child and have worked together since to ensure we have an equal arrangement for parenting and career success. We managed to have a family without jeopardizing our professions.
We discussed very specific parenting situations
Before having kids, my husband and I spoke a lot about the work it would bring to our life and how we would divide it up: Who gets up when the infant wakes up numerous times a night? An hour for each feeding—who does that? How will we determine who takes care of the baby during the day while we work?
We also began paying greater attention to other families, utilizing them as models (or anti-models) for our own parenting. I used to remark, “This is something that I see in other relationships that would not work for me,” whether it was that I only saw women with their kids in the park during the day or that most women went to the doctor.
In addition, we began observing other families as models or anti-models for our own parenting style.
I chose this activity because males tend to discuss parenting less than women, leading to a lack of understanding of the daily workload. I intended to be realistic about the task (but I severely overestimated how much time and energy it would require). I kept reminded my spouse about how having a child would impact our life to make sure it was sinking in. I wondered, if he gets angry with me bringing it up, how would he manage a baby requiring something?
More importantly, I wanted to make sure we could negotiate from a point of equal time and labor value. Before having kids, my spouse was amazing at housework, so I might have assumed the same for childcare. I knew from seeing my friends establish kids and reading the statistics that this doesn’t always happen. A research indicated that motherhood added 21 hours to the woman’s housework and childcare burden and 10 hours to the man’s for double-earning couples of opposite sexes who shared chores equally before having kids. Both parents worked full-time. I felt more secure that we agreed on a real 50-50 divide after these chats.
We discussed our success support beforehand.
In addition to the baby’s demands, we discussed our personal and professional objectives and how to achieve them. Since my husband didn’t want to leave his job, we had to plan our days so we could both work.
My husband thought we needed a part-time nanny. I wasn’t a fan of the notion since I didn’t grow up with it, but he presented a case for how it would help us both work, demonstrated how we could afford it, and even found amazing caretakers for our baby. Other families with two parents who wish to work may consider daycares or explore childcare choices with friends and family before making a decision.
We would not have a child if I had imagined my spouse not being an egalitarian partner who valued my time and work equally.
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How we would support each other and our child was also addressed. I knew I would be working more than eight-hour days to launch my firm, but we promised to put our electronics away for an hour each night and spend meaningful time together. I can concentrate on work knowing I’ll have time to be a mom later.
These hypotheticals make some women worried that men won’t make the required sacrifices to keep things fair and support both couples’ jobs. I don’t believe so if you have honest chats ahead and listen to your intuition for misgivings. We wouldn’t have a child if I’d thought my spouse wasn’t fair and valued my time and job as much as his.
We pledged to provide honest comments as we proceed.
Despite our greatest efforts, sometimes our plans fail. My spouse and I must routinely check in and modify to feel supported in all parts of our life.
We decided on in-the-moment terminology for dealing with overdoing before delivering our kid. Simply ask: Can you feed this round? Do you mind playing with the baby for 30 minutes so I can rest? Could you clean the kitchen while I change this diaper? A request like this shows we don’t think the job is shared 50/50. We adapt without animosity. Our morning coffee and life chats allow us to check in on a high level.
I don’t think my life has altered as much as my husband’s.
I manage laundry, while my spouse cleans the kitchen, but we both agree to take up slack as needed. This prevents us from continuously asking for aid, minimizing the possibility that we’ll secretly hate the other person for not doing enough. Seeing one other attempt is valuable even when we’re not perfect.
Eventually, things changed. Expecting a child to not affect your life or job is ridiculous. I don’t feel like my life has altered more than my husband’s owing to our open communication and cautious preparation. We support each other through this crazy voyage so we may both establish our jobs and see this tiny life grow.
