Our heterosexual allies are deeply appreciated and loved by the LGBTQ community, regardless of whether they are participating in a parade with us or voting for candidates who pledge to safeguard marriage equality. However, there is one area in which we continue to require your assistance with urgency: the workplace.
46% of LGBTQ employees indicate that they are still closeted at work, according to a report by the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. It is impossible to assign responsibility to them. Among other soul-crushing issues, many individuals fear reprisals from unsupportive supervisors, hear homophobic remarks, or feel isolated and excluded.
In order to be the most effective ally at work, there are discreet yet profoundly appreciated actions you can take to demonstrate to your LGBTQ colleagues that they are capable of being their authentic selves in your presence, and, more importantly, that they are appreciated. According to an informal survey of my most beloved LGBTQ acquaintances, there are eleven actions that you can implement tomorrow or immediately.
1. Initially, refrain from making any assumptions.
Although you may believe that you possess the most exceptional “gaydar” in the world, it is impossible to discern any LGBTQ-related characteristics from an individual’s appearance.
Nikki Levy, the creator of Don’t Tell My Mother! and an entertainment executive at a studio, has been required to disclose her sexual orientation at each position she has held. “I am currently engaged.” I wear a bracelet. When you are interested in learning about the manner in which we met, it is more appropriate to inquire, “How did you meet your partner?” rather than, “How did you meet him?” The number of times I have been apologized to due to their preconceived notions about my nonexistent spouse is beyond my capacity to count.
Liz Glazer, a lesbian humorist, urges readers to refrain from making any assumptions. The advise is derived from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements and is applicable to “pronouns, partner status, whatever.” Glazer asserts that this would result in more amicable work environments and, in all honesty, more contrite and pleasant individuals. Ruiz wrote, “Have the courage to ask questions and communicate in order to prevent misunderstandings.”
2. Allow me to emerge when I am prepared.
For a variety of reasons, including the annoyance of being bombarded with questions by the ill-informed and the severe safety concerns, it remains extremely challenging for some LGBTQ individuals to come out at work.
According to Ganee Berkman, a dental hygienist, “I disclosed my girlfriend to a colleague at my workplace, and he began to exhibit peculiar behavior.” “He inquired as to whether I had ever been injured by a man and as to why a girl who bore a resemblance to me would identify as gay.” “That set me back so far and made me extremely nervous to come out to people.”
Despite the fact that a coworker is out to you, it does not necessarily imply that they are out to everyone. They may opt to withhold information from specific colleagues in order to simplify their lives. Feel welcome to inquire (in private) whether everyone else is aware once they have informed you. If not, exercise caution when communicating with and about them at work to prevent the possibility of accidentally disclosing their identity.
3. Feel free to inquire about my partner.
After the individual has left, engage in the same conversations and inquire about their personal life as you would with a heterosexual or cisgender individual. The most detrimental course of action is to disregard it, as if it were the colossal elephant in the room. “I have encountered colleagues who are aware of my sexual orientation, but they never discuss my personal life,” Berkman asserts. “That is not to my liking.” I feel as though I must conceal it if they remain silent about it.
Another issue she has encountered is that individuals reduce their volume when discussing homosexual topics with her, as if it were considered forbidden. She chuckles, “Please refrain from whispering.” “It creates the impression that discussing gay topics is detrimental.” Utilize the standard volume.
4. However, refrain from being excessively nosy.
It is beneficial to engage in discussions with your LGBTQ colleagues regarding their personal lives, provided that they are appropriate for the workplace. Chloe Curran, a writer, states, “Do not inquire as to how I [discovered] that I was gay.” Weird.
LGBTQ individuals are frequently inundated with inquiries that are excessively personal or intimate, such as when they disclosed their sexual orientation to their parents, how they engage in sexual intercourse, and which body parts they possess or lack. Levy, who is engaged to be married in August, has been inquired about whether she and her prospective spouse will be “both wearing dresses” to their wedding on numerous occasions.
The most detrimental scenario is when colleagues attempt to facilitate romantic relationships. We understand that you are enthusiastic about knowing at least two homosexual individuals; however, this does not guarantee that we will be even mildly attracted to each other or have any other common interests. Do you happen to be single? What is your personality type? I am acquainted with an individual… Ever Mainard, an actor and comedian who has also served as a production assistant, encounters it frequently. “I recognize its sincerity; however, it is primarily offensive and repulsive.”
5. Certainly, please provide me with information about your other gay friends.
We may not wish to be arranged, but we are amenable to the fact that you have other homosexual acquaintances or family members. We are delighted if you emerge as an ally as soon as feasible. We experience a sense of safety, understanding, and recognition. An “A” for perseverance!
For instance, Berkman was unaware that her preferred office manager had a homosexual daughter for a year and a half. “She consistently demonstrated an immense amount of compassion and affection toward me, and I have since discovered the reason for this.” She states, “I would have appreciated it if she had informed me much earlier.”
Berkman continues, “I actually find it endearing when individuals discover that I am gay and subsequently begin to share stories about their sole gay friend or their sole encounter with anything gay.” “It may appear corny, but I actually appreciate their efforts to demonstrate their support, despite the fact that they may not have a wealth of experience with gay individuals.” Things like this make me feel 10,000 times more at ease than individuals who cease to engage with me after I disclose my sexual orientation. The individuals who become excessively effusive and uncomfortably thrilled upon discovering the information are the ones who bring me the most joy.
6. Avoid Exclusively Discussing My Sexuality or Gender
Naturally, there is a limit to the extent to which we wish to discuss this matter. It is evident that being LGBTQ is a significant aspect of our existence; however, it is not the sole factor.
Aaron Chapman, a medical director in Alameda County, northern California, has had the opportunity to work in a few contexts where his sexual orientation was considered irrelevant, similar to the way in which his hair color was perceived. “I was neither advanced nor impeded by my sexual orientation.” I was neither a victim of discrimination nor a symbol of progressivism. That was an honor.
Eugene Huffman, a paralegal and artist, further explains that the privileges and treatment that we, as a community, have been striving for are equal. “Treat them as you would any other individual—that they are a person, and LGBTQ is merely one aspect of their identity, not the entirety,” advises Huffman. “We have an abundance of experiences that already evoke unique emotions; we do not require any additional stimuli.”
7. Self-Education
Tre Temperilli, who identifies as gender ambivalent and works on Democratic political campaigns, declines to serve as your educator. “We are all required to lift.” So, prepare to do some research and roll up your sleeves. Engage in your own evolutionary process.
Ensure that you are informed about the LGBTQ community’s news. Is it possible to be terminated due to our sexual orientation? Is it possible for homophobes to continue to decline to bake wedding cakes for us? Which restrooms are permitted for our use? Is it possible to serve in the military? The role of the teacher/expert on all things homosexual is an exhausting one. If you aspire to be an ally, conduct some independent research.
Additionally, Aaron Rasmussen, a writer, cautions against presuming that individuals who identify as homosexual are necessarily knowledgeable about the LGBTQ community. “It is vast and diverse, and each individual has their own unique experience and narrative to share.”
8. Make an Effort to Use My Pronouns
On a daily basis, those of us in the LGBTQ community who are transgender and gender fluid encounter a significant amount of confusion, bias, and misunderstanding. It can be particularly frustrating in the workplace. According to Samee Junio, who identifies as nonbinary, “Being nonbinary is slightly more challenging for people to comprehend because they go, ‘Wait, you’re not a man or a woman?'” “It is significantly less widely accepted than simply identifying as “homosexual” or “lesbian.”
If you are experiencing difficulty adapting to an individual’s pronouns, it is advisable to persist in your efforts. Temperilli, who goes by he/him and they, states, “The excuse I hear most frequently from some is, ‘I’m old, this is all new to me.'” “That’s acceptable; however, after the third instance, I’m like, “Dude!”
If you are uncertain about the pronouns that an individual employs, do not hesitate to inquire. Temperilli is of the opinion that the majority of transgender individuals do not object to responding, but she urges them to refrain from misgendering someone simply because they find it “too difficult.” They assert that it can be detrimental, and as we are aware, respect is reciprocal. “What appears to be a challenge for you is likely a trillion times more difficult for the individual you are not observing when you misgender transgender individuals.”
You may extend your assistance by assisting in the communication of your coworker’s pronouns to others. Junio, the director of the technology department at Dynasty Typewriter at the Hayworth, a performance venue in Los Angeles, operates under the name “they/them” and collaborates with a variety of individuals on various productions. It is frequently cumbersome to have to repeatedly elaborate on the pronoun situation, which is why they refrain from doing so. “My superiors are aware of this and ensure that all personnel are adequately prepared prior to my arrival,” they assert. “There should be a greater emphasis on that in the workplace.” I am privileged to have an exceptional employer and coworkers who are the ideal fit for me.
9. Stand up for me
Charlie Arrowood, the director of Name & Gender Recognition at Transcend Legal, who identifies as trans or nonbinary, advises that if you hear a co-worker misgender a trans person or call them the wrong name outside of that person’s presence, you should call them out if you are aware that the trans person is out to them and it is safe to do so. Again, do not permit the individual to recite a homophobic jest. Report the incident to HR and call them out. That is the manner in which events evolve.
10. Demonstrate Your Compassion for the LGBTQ Community
This can be accomplished in a multitude of minor yet significant ways. For instance, you could motivate your organization to sponsor a carriage in your community’s pride parade, or, if it is already underway, you could participate in the march. Chapman notes that “a significant number of the workplace marching groups at San Francisco Pride are approximately 50% straight supporters.” “It is enjoyable to observe straight coworkers gather to commemorate.”
Arrowood suggests that it may be less enjoyable but more significant to examine your employee insurance policy and, if there is an exclusion for transgender care, “use your cisgender capital and privilege to ask your employer to remove it.”
11. Do not be apprehensive about making errors.
Kelly Dermody, the employment practice group chairperson at the law firm Lieff, Cabraser, Heimann & Bernstein, emphasizes the importance of employees actively fostering an LGBTQ-inclusive work environment. It is permissible to make some errors in good faith during the course of your journey. Dermody advises, “If necessary, ask, clarify, and apologize; however, continue to strive to establish a work environment that is desirable to LGBTQ employees and their friends, families, and allies.”
